see recently I've realized...somewhere in the last 3 years, I've lost myself. How'd I come to this conculcion? well.....my contract is up at the end of next month with my current job. and.
I don't know what's next.
Now, based on previous entries, the solution should appear fairly clear- quit-tastic fun time, non? but...on refelction, I wonder. Am I just ditching cause I'm twitchy? or is there some other reason? because when I think about it, why would I go? money? well that'd be nice. but I can survive on what I get now. actually getting apid for all the hours I work? please. not in this business! plus I think I can probably negotiate some time off this summer in a block that'll actually make up for all the stolen unpaid hours and whatnot. asshat BIT? well the thing is....I tried I little experiment today: I was nice to him. I took him as a funny little monkey in his cage of an office, and didn't take anythign he said personally or seriously and talked back and suddenly...he's just...a person. a little annoying sure, but for the most part not the worst boss a girl could have. don't want my car? well that's legit but if I can work out a cost of living increase to go along with rising gas prices and get my insurance down really low? well...
and the question then arises: where would I go and would it be any better? AC had it today- why do I think this place is bad? It's not. am I too good for it? am I scared I'm not good enough?
that may be it and it may also be what's contributing ot my current angst. I foudn a job. In Africa. before? I would have been off the wall, drop eveyrhting desparate to go. now I'm torn about even applying. is now the time? these jobs come p all the time, only qualifier is you can't ahve done any paid international work previously (meaning a work abroad in the UK with M is out before this). Am I good enough for it? Will I get something out of it? or will I spend the whole 7 months longing for home, lonely and missing M and V and A and all those people back here like the last time I took off all on my own.
and I'm wondering when this happene.d when I got so lost and undirected. Me? I used to KNOWW. I used to kick some serious career booty, assured I was amazing an dheading to the top. now I watch classmates surpass me and feel jealous but not know how to fix it or if I can.
and I don't knwo why I'm not happy considering I have a steady job, an apartment, friends, all that good stuff. Feels like every 6 month I get twitchy and move on.
I feel like I can't be happy any where, doing anything for long. I'm always missing something, feeling liek I'm doing the wrong thing, wasting my life. If I stay at my current job I'm not connected to the city. if I jump off the treadmill and just...wait table sor something, I'm missing journalism and that career, and btw I run the big risk of realizing that the reasoN i'm so angst-ridden and 16-year-old lady is because I HAVE slowed down enough, at last, to realzie that maybe this is not th eplace for me, I wasn't meant to be in this industry, admit it pack it up and pack it in and go figure somethign else out. If I go abroad, I'm missing the chance to live with M and hang out and work here. if I stay in this country I'm missing the chance to be exciting and young and daring and push for that career I've always thought I wanted right now.
maybe carmen sandiego knows what to do, cause god knows I don't!
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