I applied for the Zambia internship. and I got an interview.
so why am I sitting on my bed at 11:20 on a tuesday having a panci attack about this????
this is somethign I wanted! I applied for it! i've always wanted to travel! so what is wrong with me??
I think it's a combo of this is happenign really fast. M jsut got home today, I stood waiting in the airport for half an hour, watchign through the glass as people came slowly down the escalator...shoes...pants...hants...not M not M not M..then I walked aroudn the corner and realzied he'd walked right past me wearing an ugly ball cap. ANyway, he's back, and it's just a little strange. Meanwhile, I got the email about the interview the day after I applied- wow. If I get and accept this gig, I'd have to be in Toronto beginning of July, and in Africa on July 15. That's two months away!
maybe that's my problem. I was just getting settled here. if this job was for September? I'd ahve time maybe....but right now? I want M to get into school I want to get a job in the city so I cna stop this commute adn I want to stay and live with him and hang out with V and do the Africa thing...later.
wow. I said it. and that makes me awful and pathetic I'm sure.
cause what happens if he doesnt' want to live with me? if he doesnt' get into school and takes off? what if I don't get a job in the city? what if J and V both move away? then I'm here, living alone, on my own. and kicking myself for not doing Zambia. but what if I go to Zambia? what afterwards?. I'd be even more directionless cause I wouldn't have somewhere else to come back to. M woul dhave moved in with his friends, I'd have no job...geez..........seven months is a long time.
but...I'd have done Africa. taken a step towards being a foreign correspondant. done somethign awesome and cool and when I got back, maybe be able to settle, a bit......feel content iwth my job because I've done it, Iv'e gone abroad, I've lived.
but right now all I see is being alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment